I feel a presence. Behind my shoulder
autumn wind is undressing auburn trees
who with night’s dignity disrobe for winter.
I feel a presence behind my shoulder—
a lamp snaps on. Modest trees wither,
bright light on their bare canopies.
I feel a presence behind my shoulder.
Autumn wind is undressing auburn trees.
© B. Jason Reardon
Revised 4/14/05
The possibilites with this form are very interesting. The repetition of the lines allow for the meaning of the lines to either change or be reinforced. In this case I'm going for change. I don't feel like this poem quite comes together. "I feel a presence" and "behind my shoulder" are both weak. I'd like lines that provide better setting. A replacement like "along the sidewalk" for the second half is an improvement of setting, but it disrupts the whole rhyme scheme. A verb or adjective at the end of the second half which could change feel as it is repeated would also be pleasing. If I return to this poem again I'll probably gut it.
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2 comments:
i like the repetition in this a lot. i think you have a good sense of the problems with it. revise revise! but i think the concept and mood are very strong. i like this poem.
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